I received an email from my publisher a couple weeks ago, telling me that my book, Clean Freak, was going out of print due to a change in their business model. I want to take a moment to celebrate the journey that this story has taken me on, which includes a reckoning with my mental health.
I’m finally ready to admit that I had some pretty wild expectations around publishing my first novel. Clean Freak wasn’t the first novel I’d written (it was actually my third). But from the inception of the idea one day while I was cleaning my shower, through the development and the actual writing, I felt that this story was different. I knew it was going to be my first published novel. And it was, back in August of 2013.
Intellectually, I knew that overnight success was a one in a million shot. But I’m Sean Motherfucking Davis! With the benefit of hindsight, I realize how entitled and immature those expectations were. But that hindsight was hard won over the last ten years. It took the emotional roller coaster of the book going out of print in 2014, being accepted by another press in 2015, then not seeing print until 2020. Those five years between acceptance and publication were very hard for me. I wrote a couple short stories, but seemed incapable of moving past my out of print novel. When it did release, it was during the first fall after Covid and I was at a loss for how to promote the book without the kinds of live events and gatherings that are the lifeblood of the indie writer.
All of this happened while the mental challenges that I’ve dealt with my whole life were coming to a head. For the last three years, I’ve been working with someone to fight against the anxiety and depression that I feel because of life, but also because that seems to be my wiring. My identity as a writer has been a part of that journey. It hasn’t always been an easy one, including a prolonged withdrawal into myself this past spring and summer. I’ve been doing better since then and I hope to be able to keep it going.
I’m proud to say that, when I received this email, I was able to take it standing up. Instead of feelings of failure, I see the positive opportunities that I have now to move on and tell new stories, that my success as a writer does not hinge on this one book. I’m sure that Clarence and Lucy will see publication again someday because they are and will always be important to me.
I do have some copies of Clean Freak available for sale. I’m working on updating my site here and adding a buy button, so look for that soon. Thank you everyone who is reading this for continuing on my journey with me.
The Chimerical Dark 